It’s been just about 2 months since I last wrote to you, and also 2 minutes ago, and also 2 years ago. I’m back in New York and in many ways it’s like I never left. Same apartment, same walks, same what’s for dinner, same bustling city with it’s mania and magic.
It feels like I’m a space traveller, and I’ve been away on a foreign planet. I’ve lived a whole life on that planet, where every day here was a year there. Now I’ve returned home, and it’s only been 6 months Earth time so nothing seems different except everything is different.
Because I’m so different.
My cells are different. My soul is different, maybe not simply different, but riper for sure. I’m battle weary and heart broken, but heart open too. I know myself less and I know myself so much more. Spiritually I’ve never felt stronger, and emotionally, mentally, physically I’ve never felt more bone tired than I do right now. Decision fatigue. Medical industry fatigue. IRS fatigue. Logistical fatigue. All the fatigues.
I’m tired of the customer service agent condolences keeping me on the phone an extra eternity.
I’m tired of saying my Mom died.
I’m tired of crying.
And I’m tired of feeling this gaping loss.
And I’m just getting started?
Don’t get me wrong, I still feel her, hear her, dance with her, and dream with her. And still.
Still.
I have been asked repeatedly what I need. And everytime I hear that question the sound of it bounces around my insides like an echo in a cave. In response, sometimes I say “I don’t know.” Sometimes I say “rest”.
One of those is true.
Two months ago, I wanted to reach out to my community for financial support. And I was advised against it. I was advised against it, and I listened. For many reasons. Because I was relieved to hand over the reins of my life to someone else for a moment. Because I’ve never been in this situation before. Because what if nobody gives? Because it feels a little embarrassing. Because it’s hard to listen to your heart when you’re so so exhausted. Because I don’t want to feel like charity. Because so many people in this world need funds. Because I’m used to working my ass off so maybe I just have to barrel through. Because of scarcity.
But all of that feels like a lot of fear, and not a lot of truth.
And if you know me at all, you know there’s almost nothing more important to me than the truth. Some might say honest to a fault, in fact, my Mom would often tell me that I don’t have to go around volunteering information. But I’ve never liked pretending things are a way they are not. I may go a little quiet. But I don’t fake it till I make it. I really try to not lie. And what I’ve done, is I’ve gone quiet, not outright lying, but omitting the truth. Because I didn’t want to say the truth out loud.
What I need, is money.
I need money in order to rest. In order to catch up and get a handle on all the unexpected bills and expenses that come with settling affairs, and closing out a life. In order to take real care of myself while I do it all on the last fumes of capacity I have left. I was going to start back to work November because I had another financial set back, and I felt I didn’t have any other choice.
My Mom’s birthday was last week, and to honor her I reshared the IG story series we did together two years back where people could ask her anything. And she was asked what she wished someone had told her about being 35-40.
She wishes someone told her there was such a thing as being overly independent.
Looks like her guidance (along with the guidance of a few dear friends) is still coming in right on time. And it’s my turn to learn it.
I am asking for support. Asking for what I really need. And while the action and ask looks like money.
What the need feels like is actually trust. Trust that I can depend on others. Trust that I am also worthy of being picked up when I’ve been knocked down. Trust that even though I know the depths of my strength - that every moment isn’t asking for that. That the people in my life aren’t always asking for that. Trust that to be in right relationship, truly interdependent, isn’t just to give, but to receive too.
Trust that I’m not alone, and never have been.
If you’d like to support me in this time please contribute to my GoFundMe. We’re in bizarro times I know, so I wanted to share here first and will share more broadly after the election. Your assist is welcomed now and then, please share and help spread the word.
Your fellow wanderer,
Allison
This is my only currently available work. I created it a little over a year ago for a film. The title is not lost on me, however, it’s not about our literal Mothers - though I see now it can be. It’s a meditation on the Great Mother • on creation, returning to the source of all things, and letting this human experience crack your heart open. A return to immanence. $2000 - reach out to purchase: allison@allisonstrickland.CO
The honesty and rawness in your words is precious. I hope you’ve received the support you needed since writing them. 🌹🌹
May the currency of your trust allow you to rest. Rest well.