Sacrificing Worry On The Altar Of Change.

Sharing what I'm learning the hard way so you don't have to.

I have never experienced so much acute and painful uncertainty in my life. I suppose the truth is that we’re all always in acute uncertainty, only the waves seem so small in the day to day that it feels like the waters are still.

I think I’m maybe in a tsunami now.

The night I got the call from the emergency room, I was tucked into some shadowy concrete nook in Lincoln Center with a friend, still waiting to hear back about what had actually happened to my Mom which they refused to say on the first call. Shaking and disoriented I looked at him and said “I’m not ready.” It felt like every particle inside me was screaming those words. They echoed in my ears like someone else was saying them. I literally, physically, felt the sensation of the suction of gravity like I was going down a slide. Turns out that feeling was me being catapulted out of my life as I knew it.

There has been so much that has surprised me about this situation (understatement of the year). And one surprise is the absolute sea of questions. My questions, doctor’s questions, nurse’s questions, social worker questions, friend questions, landlord questions, family questions, my Mom’s friend’s questions, helpful questions, questions that annoy, questions that grasp, questions from care… I give some answers, I guess some answers, but mostly I have no answers.

The biggest and most helpful piece of advice from the wise ones in my life is to truly stay in the present. No 6 month plan, or weekly plan, really just stay in the day to day. And as a historically chronic future-oriented worrier. What a bootcamp.

I’ve always worried. Psychologists may say otherwise in terms of personality development but some things feel like you just come in with it. That’s worrying for me.

When I was little my Mom would say things like:

“Stop looking for things to worry about.”

“If you can’t change it, there’s no use in worrying about it because either what you don’t want is coming anyway, or what you’re worried about isn’t going to happen and then you’ve spent all this time worrying for nothing.”

and

“Keep going and you’ll be the only 10 year old with an ulcer.”

Exhibit A:

I’ve always wanted to stop - I’ve just never known how. But I think this situation is giving me a glimmer. This is my note from the field, so individual results may vary.

AND this is delicate, so before I share, I want to be clear that I’m still very much feet on the ground. I’m not using this to avoid or repress. I feel strong and clear, and sad, nervous, angry, disappointed. I flicker, sometimes rapidly, between resistance and acceptance. Hope and bitterness. But this is how I’m working with it right now - I think this is what Ram Dass meant by “grist for the mill”. What’s happened has happened, what’s here is here, what’s coming is coming anyway - but my logic is, I won’t let it be in vain. And I can devote myself to giving this ancient worry up, for my Mom, in honor of her and what she’s going through. The practice is simple but not always easy.

When I realize I’m leaning into this old shadow comfort of worry - I picture giving it as an offering to the earth like an altar. Sending it into the ground and say “I am willing to sacrifice this worry for my Mom.” and put the thought of whatever nightmare, fear, or worst case scenario I was playing, out of my mind. Some things I can give up once, and some things I have to give again and again. I’ve never been able to figure out how to do it for me, but I’m finding I somehow can do it for her, she tried to teach me the easy way all these years. And I suppose this is one I’m just having to learn the hard way.

Some questions - What’s the discharge plan? Do you still live in New York? Are you painting? There’s a lot of assumptions and projections. After all, many people are very uncomfortable with uncertainty, even the uncertainty of others. And so when crazy shit like what I’m going through happens, you aren’t only wading through your own doubt, fear, and experience, you’re also wading through the doubt, fear, and experience of others whether you ask for it or not.

And to all of it I’m practicing saying, I don’t know, and that I don’t want to make declarative statements. I don’t want to pretend certainty just to soothe myself or others. I don’t want to jump to define, name, or label. What I am, what I’m not. What this is, what this isn’t. I’ve tried to plan, believe me, I’d love one. Along with a clear timeline. And every time I try, something else happens to show me I don’t get that, maybe just not right now, or… maybe never again?

I don’t know.

But I’m choosing to trust this process. My Mom can’t speak much, but it does ebb and flow. And on one of my hardest moments, even though I try to hide them from her - I called to say goodnight (since I can no longer sleep over) and she said out of the blue “everything will fit together in time” and while trusting this process is something I have to actively choose. I already do, absolutely, trust my Mom. And even though I don’t want so many of the things that are happening - if she says everything will fit together in time. Then it will.

Your Fellow Wanderer,

Allison

Fun thing about my Mom: She reads faces. If you have ever taught me, employed me, dated me, offered me an opportunity, my Mom has probably read your face. Let’s be real, if you’ve ever dated a close friend of mine she’s probably read your face. She doesn’t really get into people’s business or story, but she usually gives a favorable/unfavorable prognosis. All she needs is a photo where she can see both of your eyes clearly. She will share positive qualities or things to look out for, sometimes she’ll get a “meh” which is to say, not much in either direction, I’ve found this to mean, it probably won’t be a deep connection but there’s a lesson to learn. The ultimate judgement however, is when she gets “the vibe” which means do pass go. Turn. Run. She’s discerning, she can not like your energy but not get “the vibe” it’s really reserved for some secret third thing. And when it comes to “the vibe” my sister as my witness - she ain’t never been wrong. I don’t abuse the privilege. But I will still ask about people that feel like they might be significant. I noticed last year was the first time I asked her to read someone and she didn’t outright do it. She asked instead “what’s your read?” I told her and she confirmed my feeling with some added detail. I was a little surprised and she said “One day you’re going to have to learn to trust yourself.”